{"id":441,"date":"2024-05-20T17:48:03","date_gmt":"2024-05-20T17:48:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/amandasellstx.com\/?p=441"},"modified":"2024-05-20T17:48:18","modified_gmt":"2024-05-20T17:48:18","slug":"on-turning-30","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/amandasellstx.com\/?p=441","title":{"rendered":"On Turning 30"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Written April 28th-May 2nd, 2024<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I approach turning 30 this week, I feel something shifting in me.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been dreading this milestone all year, fearing that I\u2019ll no longer be viewed as \u201cyoung\u201d and that I\u2019ll be categorized as \u201colder\u201d. I\u2019ve white-knuckled this life transition for some time now, being frustrated when I became a mom with the loss of the carefree and fun elements of my former self. I\u2019ve resented the responsibilities, at times, sensing that becoming a mom would forever take away my youth and replace it with a boring, overweight, and unappealing identity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All of this may or may not actually <\/em>be true, but I imagine other moms out there have felt some of these same sentiments. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Each successive decade has been marked by particular emotions and experiences\u2026my first being both childlike fun and then extremely chaotic, my second being filled with high highs and low lows. But my most recent decade of life has perhaps been the most transformative thus far. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think back on that newly-turned-21-year-old, eager to finally experience adulthood in all its glory. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember the girl who married the kindest man I\u2019d ever met at age 23, the same year I graduated with a master\u2019s degree and published a book. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember everything shifting when a world pandemic happened the same year I gave birth to my first child, birthing a new personality of \u201cmom\u201d I never knew existed in myself, when I was 26. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amidst the delight, there was sleeplessness. There was hopelessness in the many nights of despair, wondering why my child was so difficult when most everyone else I knew seemed to love being a newborn mom. There was loneliness in how our once-tight-knit community dismantled, and I found myself longing for the friendships I had in my pre-kid life and not seeing a way back to that. Despite my son being my greatest achievement in my life thus far, I wondered if I had been ready for this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I changed careers at age 27 and my son started going to \u201cpreschool\u201d, things started looking up. I had a new drive and a new passion that was all mine, and I loved every minute of it. Being an entrepreneur opened up skills in me never explored before, and I knew this was the fit I had been missing in my W2 jobs from before. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Twenty-seven also brought about a loss I never expected: an early-on miscarriage that destroyed everything I believed about the God that I had so vehemently praised my whole life before. I walked a hard journey through the grief and lament and found my way back to Him\u2026sort of. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Twenty-eight brought the fast and beautifully redemptive unmedicated birth of my daughter. Everything was easier with her\u2014sleep, physical recovery, temperament. And it made me wonder if I had done something wrong with my son. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Twenty-nine revealed that it wasn\u2019t me. Something was<\/em> different\u2014but not wrong\u2014<\/em>about my son. I remember reading the terrible email in the summer of 2023 from his Montessori school telling me he was not allowed to return. He was too different from the others\u2026to difficult. Heartbroken over their disregard (because I had done everything they had asked of me and more), I now see that they were really dancing around what they really thought was going on so with my son so that they could kick him out without technically<\/em> discriminating. I took it upon myself to seek answers, and I found them in the sanctuary of kind humans and a caring behavior center. Things finally started turning around for my delightfully different son. But the journey to get here has been filled with more than a few ups and downs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amidst all of this, over this past year, I\u2019ve finally started tackling the emptiness and frustrations I\u2019d been feeling for a while, ever since my miscarriage. I\u2019ve sought out the answers to the burning faith questions that have been wrecking me subconsciously for some time. I wouldn\u2019t say I\u2019ve had a revitalization of my faith quite yet, but I do finally see a way there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve realized that my internal anguish has been lingering in my soul ever since I became a mom. I hadn\u2019t realized what I was getting into\u2014namely, the selflessness required of a mother. I\u2019ve died to myself for the sake of my kids, and in doing so, I\u2019ve died inside at the loss of my pre-kid identity. Without knowing it, I\u2019ve resented this death of self, wanting to squeeze every bit of my youth out of my life, while knowing I\u2019m moving every day further away from who I once was.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thirty and the decade before me is beckoning me to reorient my focus not on the loss of what I had or who I was before. Rather, it\u2019s calling me to focus on what\u2019s before me now. I have a loving, committed, loyal husband who is an incredible father. I\u2019m providing my kids a stable home and intentional time with their parents. I have an amazing job with an unlimited ceiling. There are so many blessings in my life that I am now choosing to delight in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m finally letting that the girl of my 20s fade into memories, where she belongs. <\/strong>And the woman of my 30s is awakening, showing me that age does not mean I can\u2019t be fun or beautiful or novel anymore. It simply means that, like wine, life is getting better and better with each successive year.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m saying goodbye to confusion and hello to clarity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m saying goodbye to insecurity and hello to consistency. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Goodbye to comparison and hello to gratitude. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019re in your twenties, it\u2019s easy to dread getting older. But there\u2019s no delaying time. We all age at the same rate. So, I\u2019m choosing, on this milestone birthday, to embrace aging as another opportunity to grow into the person God has created me to be. I see with more and more clarity that life offers us the chance to either live for ourselves or to live for the benefit of others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m realizing my twenties were filled with subconsciously living for myself. When my comforts of sleep, routine, and freedom were pulled out from underneath me at the birth of my first child, I was forced to start living for Owen. When I\u2019d finally gotten everything I\u2019d ever hoped to have (husband, kids, house, friends) and I still felt incomplete, I realized my desires for\u00a0more\u00a0<\/em>and\u00a0better\u00a0<\/em>are inexhaustible. And when I realized that I\u2019d been resenting my new life, I was finally able to start letting my old life go.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t need to keep looking back. I don\u2019t need to wonder if God had something better for me. Looking back doesn\u2019t change the choices I made. They were all good<\/em> choices that have given me a beautiful life I\u2019ve been struggling to see in midst of my struggle to accept it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I see it now. I see the joy and the love and the adventure our little family is on together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I\u2019m welcoming this decade warmer than I had expected. I thought I would dread this day. But today, I\u2019m thankful for it. I\u2019m thankful that this year is a milestone year, not just because the number of years I\u2019m turning, but because I\u2019m now embracing my life rather than resisting it.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hello, decade number four. I can\u2019t wait to see what words I\u2019ll use to describe you at the next decade turn. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Written April 28th-May 2nd, 2024 As I approach turning 30 this week, I feel something shifting in me.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been dreading this milestone all year, fearing that I\u2019ll no longer be viewed as \u201cyoung\u201d and that I\u2019ll be categorized as \u201colder\u201d. I\u2019ve white-knuckled this life transition for some time now, being frustrated when I became […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":414,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":true,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-441","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-all"],"yoast_head":"\nOn Turning 30 - Amanda Sells TX<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/amandasellstx.com\/?p=441\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"On Turning 30 - Amanda Sells TX\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Written April 28th-May 2nd, 2024 As I approach turning 30 this week, I feel something shifting in me.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been dreading this milestone all year, fearing that I\u2019ll no longer be viewed as \u201cyoung\u201d and that I\u2019ll be categorized as \u201colder\u201d. 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